You cannot even type “Church Suit” into an online search engine without getting what SHOULD be considered a “Jacket with a Skirt,” the average blind religious American society just does not know what Female fashion is… I know what you are thinking, “Oh, G[censored for sensitive ears]!”… What ever you do, DO NOT FREAK OUT! I am here to help! I am here to help you take that “so-called” fashion disaster of a God out of his Orthodox box and retrain Him (Or Her?) and make your God want good fashion in His (Her?) Church.
Before I give you my Fashion Tips you need to understand why all this fashion Pish-Posh was started: All Enlisted, a brilliant LDS Feminist grass-roots organization has declared THIS SUNDAY, December 16th, as “Wear Pants to Church Day!” as a protest against the negative Mormon social attitudes that do not respect Women as human beings who have autonomy and free will.
Being a boy I am “asked to” wear the same-old-same-old black BORING pants to any LDS service I attend. Instead, I wear my pants as a sexy fashion statement that makes all the hot Mormon boys jealous! In an effort to help the Mormon Feminists who have lived a sheltered life of no pants, this gay boy is offering you some fashion advice!
Tip One: No rips!
I know that the teenage trend if fighting HARD to continue existing, however rips were an old statement that started in and should have ended in 2010. Since then a lot of more modestly priced clothes retailers have taken the fashion statement from a few years back (which had a die-hard rule of a MAX of 2-3 modest and well located rips per leg) and have turned it into a pair of pants that may as well be called the “Holy New Hipster Lingerie.” If you wear these holy pants you will not get the social change you are looking for, but some holy Mormon boy boners.
Tip Two: If you are over 50, bring the Fifties back (but with some 2012 flair!)!!
You know those really cute jackets and sleek and slim skirts? Well, they are back! However, the sleek and slim have been sewn and tucked and beautified into CUTE pants that seem to be mixed with a bit of the 20’s flair! Another good option that has made its second big debut is the Cigarette Pant, which has all of the above, plus more (If you want to show off your cute eternally sexy butt, this is a good option for you!) This sexy member of your fashion repertoire can now come out of the closet and be welcomed with open arms into the cute and HOT categories of today’s fashion critiques.
Tip Three: shoes, Shoes, AND SHOES!!!
Shoes can make you or break you, and when you are making a statement against the current harmful social trends AND a fashion statement you need a GOOD pair of shoes! I have five good rules for you to follow: 1) Keep the toes hidden, closed toe shoes make you come across to others in a way that makes them listen to you better. Also, wear a heel that is appropriate for your height. If you are 6 feet DO NOT (I repeat DO NOT!) wear more than a four-inch heel, you are already tall enough as it is, don’t make yourself come across as a beautiful version of Godzilla… Likewise, if you are shorter than 6 feet, do not wear a heel that makes your feet vertical. At MAX you should stick with a heel between 1 and 3 inches that does not make your body become unnaturally
set apart from your body. 2) NO ANIMAL PRINT! Wearing cheetah fur will NOT make
you as fast as one, but it will speed up the judgmental Mormon women around you who are thinking “Oh my [Gosh], here comes a freak!” Your statement will not make a statement, but a misunderstanding… 3) Wear CLEAN shoes. I cannot tell you how many LDS women I have caught making this mistake. If you need to, excuse yourself to the bathroom, grab some paper towels, and if you are afraid of being judged lock yourself in a bathroom stall and stand on a toilet as you wipe off all the mud that distracts from your BEAUTY (because all of you women are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated as such!)! 4) No Frills. You do not need to make your feet look like a fish attempting fashion. 5) Choose Shoes that match what you are wearing. Try and have your shoes match the jacket, belt AND pants. If you are wearing a hat make your shoes match this as well.
Tip Four: FRILLS? Wear layers instead!
Like I said above, do not make your self look like a fashion fish. Frills are bad. Stay sleek. If you think you need to wear frills imagine a fish wearing your frilly fashion statement and start picking out what layers would look good together. I included a picture of a cute layered suit for you to go off or, if needed…
Tip Five: Color Coordination
Stick with a two toned suit that shows off your BEAUTIFUL body. Here are some good color combinations that are ALWAYS SAFE: Black over white, grey over black, white over grey, black over pink, and black over purple. Just make sure that when layering that you don’t choose patterns that clash (you don’t want what could have been a beautiful idea to become what resembles a car crash…)
Tip Six: Dress for the Season
It is winter, dress for the season! Beauty is not meant to be a device of torture and regret, but one that makes you feel AMAZING. If you can prevent yourself from being uncomfortable, do so! Choose pants that are made from fabrics such as wool, cashmere, fleece (to be used SMARTLY as an inline for thinner fabrics ONLY!) and cotton. If you want to wear something underneath to keep yourself warm, wear warm stockings that are not to thick AND that match your outfit (this is a common fashion sin that I have caught MANY women making).
Tip Seven: Floral Print AND Button-ups??? Ummm, no!
Floral prints are what your great, GREAT grandma wore. Heck, floral print was even a bad choice in Joseph Smiths day! If you see yourself wanting a floral print SOMETHING choose a scarf that has lines of various widths that contain colors that would be in the floral print. One fashion statement that is a BAD choice for women is the button up… This article of clothing is one that you should NOT go near. It is a fashion taboo that creates a sin greater than Mary Kate and Ashley Olson… Stay FAR away from these two, and whatever you do DO NOT combine them…
Tip Eight: Bright Animal Prints? lol. Fashionable Fir? YAY!
When I see someone wearing Animal Prints who is NOT African I laugh. Bright and blunt animal prints DO NOT look good on pale skin. There is a reason why mink, fox and wolf firs were so popular in America, they go well with paler skin tones. If you want to wear animal fur, color coordinate it with your skin and your hair.
Tip Nine: Pastels
Unless you are as cute as the Queen of England on a bright Summer day, do not wear pastels. Pastels are for Easter, and that is it! Pastels make you look like a puckered up version of Mary Bo-Peep meets Little Red Riding Hood. Unless you want to come across as the Molly Mormon of your Ward, do not wear ANYTHING pastel.
Tip Ten: Modest is Hottest?
I agree with what Mormon Feminists are saying, the modesty doctrine of the LDS Church is taken too far by the ultra-Orthodox women who teach and push this doctrine into young women’s minds. Modesty is a symbol of humility, not what you wear. What is being taught is VERY harmful to the body image of Mormon woman, this language only adds to the unjust “God-Fear” that creates a sense of false “unworthiness” in the minds of so many Mormon women.. However, when protesting this Sunday in your SEXY pants remember that no one will take you seriously if a boob is almost popping out or if you are dressed in a suit that makes the Bishop want to whistle at you like you are Jessica Rabbit… If you want to pop the modesty bubble I would suggest that you do it in a way that will not turn the statement you are trying to make into a statement that only turns people away from you. When looking at the modesty doctrine as a symbol, take this quote from Emma Watson and chew on it for a bit, “The less you reveal the more people can wonder.”
Enjoy protesting by wearing pants! And remember to look HOT, BEAUTIFUL and fashionable while doing so!
Your Feminist Ally and Friend,